Valentines Hearts
Federal courts dismissed all charges today against Justin Clem, Chief Human Resources Officer (CHRO). The sensational case of an employee’s trust, shattered by the man sworn to uphold meritocracy and political correctness, gripped the nation for as least as long as it took the commercials to stop and “Lost” to start back up.
Clem, known for doling out his own brand of milquetoast justice, was accused of sexually harassing a fellow employee while at work. The plaintiff, Randi Roberts, alleged that Clem would bombard her desk with candy hearts, popular in February due to the Valentine “holiday” widely supported by the floral and greeting card industries but mostly condemned by the Roman Catholic Church for making a mockery out of St. Valentine, who was martyred in the third century.
However, these weren’t your grandmother’s Sweethearts. These little candies would have played better with the likes of Andrew Dice Clay.
“These fat-free, sodium-free, three-calorie confections used to brighten my usually lonely Valentines,” said Ms. Roberts. “They were one of the few candies I could enjoy with my cats.” All that changed after Randi read the first in what would be a series of lewd and raunchy candy heart messages. “I had to ask the guy in the cube next to me what my pachinko was.”
The first day of what was expected to be a grueling two-week trial began this morning. Only 47 minutes into the proceedings, the defense presented its most liberating piece of evidence— the payroll list. Randi Roberts was nowhere on that list. As the defense continued to poke holes through the validity of the prosecution’s already flimsy case it became apparent that Ms. Roberts was indeed an intern. The accuser became the accused.
“You’re not a paid employee—you have no real rights as you’re not a real person,” Judge Burnban told the intern. “You’ve wasted not only the court’s time, but taxpayers’ dollars as well. Taxpayers, in case you didn’t know, are people who pay taxes because they have real jobs that pay them.”
“Cases like this make me want to quit the bench,” Judge Burnban said later in his chambers. “It detracts from other, more interesting sexual harassment cases. Plus, I had a tee time with Ty Webb, who’s no slouch himself.”
A victorious Clem exited the courthouse in an exultant fashion while the intern left with her head hung in shame after her verbal thrashing from the judge. Ms. Roberts could be heard muttering, hoping only that her cats could provide enough comfort before returning to work the next day where she will most assuredly be fired.
“I feel good about the judge’s decision to throw out the case,” Clem said. “I’m considering suing the intern for slander, but she doesn’t make any money.”
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