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News Briefs

President Bush Rescinds CAN-SPAM

In a political move that has left most analysts baffled, President Bush announced Wednesday during his weekly radio address that he has been elected “King Whiskers” by a secret governing body of super-intelligent aliens called “Huskerdoos.”

According to President Bush (a.k.a. King Whiskers), his first official act was to eliminate the CAN-SPAM Act of 2003, which sought to curb unsolicited email marketing.

“Look. I mean, listen,” said President Bush, realizing he was on the radio, not television. “When I allowed the CAN-SPAM Act to pass, I thought we were talking about processed meat. I had just snorted a big bag of meth, and Dick hadn’t told me what the Internets were yet. Now that I’ve sobered up, I have a better command of the issues. SPAM is good for business, and business is good for America. SPAM is as American as speech impediments and bad public schools. If you’re against SPAM, you hate freedom. If you hate freedom, I hate you. And I will find you and kill you–dead or alive.”

Ad Salesman Pauses Momentarily

A Midwestern ad salesman stopped talking for a moment yesterday, allowing a surprised prospect to sneak a word in edgewise. The salesman later admitted he didn’t hear what she said. Nor did he care.

Fatal Marketing Accident Prompts Calls for Tighter Regulation

A Kentucky man was killed yesterday when an oversized, die-cut postcard severed an artery in his left arm. Ed Wilkins crawled nearly seven miles over farm land in a rural area outside Adairville before expiring on an unnamed, sun-baked dirt road. In response to the fatality, the Direct Marketing Association (DMA) has called for a broad set of restrictions against direct mail aimed at curbing direct marketing-related deaths.

“Postcards are meant to inform, not kill,” said Jennifer Huddleston, spokeswoman for the DMA. “As responsible direct marketers, we must police ourselves and ensure safety for our targets. Otherwise, big government will clue in to our ambitions for a new world order fueled by revenue from Internet porn and fake Viagra.”

Google Announces Pay-Per-Thought Advertising

Earlier this week, Google announced its plans to offer advertisers a new way to reach their target audience: pay-per-thought. Pay-per-thought allows advertisers to pay only when a consumer thinks of their product. Beta users of the new Google service have offered mix reviews.

“It seems like I’m spending a lot of money on people who are thinking of my product, but it’s difficult to measure the impact this new form of advertising is having on my sales,” said Shawn Franklin, CEO of justporn.com. Google executives are projecting $37 gigamegazillion in advertising revenue from the new service line, while analysts are less bullish.

“The only thing we know is that it ought to perform better than their pay-per-fart or pay-per-puke products, which were humorous but not profitable.”

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 9th, 2007 at 8:49 am and is filed under

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