Company Dies of Corporate Anorexia
Corporate anorexia, a disorder in which a company’s self-image is so severely distorted that they drop necessary staff in a desperate effort to curtail imagined bloating, leaving them weakened to the point they can no longer complete even the most basic business functions, has claimed another victim–Pete’s Pugil Sticks.
This is the third instance of corporate anorexia in the last six months.
“They had such a bright future ahead of them,” said Jonathan Holland, president of West Coast Capital Partners, the venture capital firm backing Pete’s. “My biggest regret in this tragedy is that my return on this project will drop to just 22.4 percent.”
A year ago, Pete’s Pugil Sticks was a vibrant, profitable enterprise. But when a competitor began challenging them in the ultra-competitive pugil stick industry, Pete’s began implementing drastic slimming measures in an effort to improve efficiency.
“Corporate anorexia generally begins rather benignly,” said Daniel Barry.
Barry, a consultant who specializes in diagnosing and treating companies suffering from the disorder, described the slow shame spiral.
“First, they cut the HR department. Then customer service gets outsourced. Next, those useless hacks in marketing get the boot.”
The fear of gaining weight creates a paranoia that culminates in “…an inability to carry out basic business functions,” Barry said. “They starve themselves to death trying to stave off competition and appease shareholders.”
According to an industry expert, the problem is more widespread than originally thought.
“Companies see the images portrayed on the front pages of the Wall Street Journal and highlighted on stock market reports,” said Stephen Boyd. “Seeing Google and Exxon making huge amounts of money quarter after quarter creates an unattainable level of expectations. Corporate anorexia is a disease.”
The cause of the problem may stem from the very companies that are celebrated daily in the business media.
“Yeah, sure, I feel the pressure to slim down,” said a representative from the Johnson Lawnmower Head Gasket Company. “I mean look at my marketing department. It’s huge!”
The death of Pete’s Pugil Sticks is being heralded as a wake-up call for companies nationwide that are thinking of using these desperate measures to improve their returns.
“Take care of your organization,” pleaded Judith Nelson, former vice president of operations for Pete’s.
But corporate anorexia isn’t a death sentence. Midtown Ice Cream Company was caught in the throes of the insidious disease at the height of the tech boom.
“We were so emaciated that there wasn’t even anyone who knew how to use the fax machine,” said Elaine Lalane, manager at Midtown. “Who knew a bunch of M.B.A.s were so reliant on their secretaries and assistants?”
They recovered by going on a hiring spree.
“We started hiring anyone who walked in the door,” Lalane said. “My cousin even got a job here. He’s the vice president of latte runs now. Some companies may call us large and inefficient, but I like it that way. We see ourselves as healthy, not fat.”
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