William Costner, the president of an old-timey saloon chain with 15 locations around the greater Little Rock, Arkansas area, always dreamed of making it big. In his mind, “making it big” meant getting his photo on the cover of a magazine—and maybe even some words about him on the inside.

“I grew up thinking that the pinnacle of personal and professional success was having your picture grace the cover of a magazine,” said Costner, while sitting at his desk in Cowbells and Bootstraps headquarters. “I knew that if I could get my picture on the cover of a magazine, all the terrible things they used to say about me in high school would be finally put to rest.”

But the problem was Bill couldn’t get on the cover of a magazine. You see, Bill hasn’t ever done anything interesting. And they only put interesting people on magazine covers.

When he realized this, Bill was devastated. “I tried and I tried, for years I tried. I pitched story after story about myself, with nothing but disappointment,” he told Original Pickle reporters in a very candid moment. “The editors of every magazine told me I would never make the cover of their publication.”

That was when Bill pulled out his Ace in the Hole—he self-funded a magazine, and put himself on the cover of the inaugural issue. “I’ve been successful in the saloon business,” Bill shared. “The profits of Cowbells and Bootstraps have afforded me a comfortable life. To me, what better way to use that money than to make myself feel better about myself?”

And so It’s All About Me was borne—out of one man’s desperate attempt to reclaim the fame and notoriety he feels was so unfairly missing from his life. The inaugural issue contains articles on hot wings, current trends in attaché case design and a piece that is sure to gain the attention of most Americans: Just What is the Difference Between Football and Fútbol?

“I would be watching ESPN-8 (the ocho) and the announcers would be talking about football. But there were just a bunch of Euro-sissies running around kicking a ball. It was like an elementary school kickball, but with less vivid colors,” said Costner. “So the announcers were obviously confused—and so was I. It turns out that those Euro-dudes call their silly game football. They just spell it different and put one of those dashie-things over the “u.””

I think I can speak for everyone—we’d all like to know what that dashie-thing is doing marring up American football. And we can thank William Costner and It’s All About Me for finally laying the issue to rest.

A spokesman for the Korean SSSEOWLYU (Stop Sending Spam Email Or We’ll Lock You Up) organization declined to comment on the case, but an official press release from the office of Dictator Kim Jong-Il contained this brief, cryptic message:

“North Korea takes the issue of Permission Based Marketing very seriously – and we’ve read all of Seth Godin’s books. Spam email from a Danish recruiting firm will be taken as a direct threat from America to the Korean people, and will be met with swift retribution. America’s King Bush needs to tell the world that spam effects everyone, even people who don’t have email, computers or even basic human rights.”

Former General Electrics CEO, Jack Welch, has announced today he is entering the 2008 presidential elections as an independent candidate. Welch, who is widely thought of as the Grandfather of Sonsabitches and inspired such phrases as ‘Go fuck yourself, Jack”, has begun campaigning under his tax reform plan commonly referred to the “rank and shoot” plan.

Welch’s tax reform proposal is reminiscent of his GE days. His plan is simple: citizens whose taxable income is in the lowest 10 percent of the national average will be executed, likely by firing squad. Those in the top 20 percent will be rewarded.

When asked if he thought executing these taxpayers would be too extreme Welch touted the value of his plan and his well-publicized tenure at GE.

“Exiling them would only perpetuate a broken system,” Welch said. “When I was at GE, we didn’t just transfer a problem to a division in the South. You can’t slap them on the wrist either. People in the lowest 10 percent probably can’t afford government cheese much less a $2.3 million dollar fine. We need to make an example of them.”

“The best way to encourage personal performance is to dangle the fear of being systematically executed in front of their peers.”

Welch believes his new tax policy to be more along the lines of social reform then anything else. “Thinning the herd” will motivate Americans to earn more money, something Welch believes has been sorely lacking since the 1980s.

Rewards for those in the top 20 percent include all expense paid trips to the executions and weekends at Sandals resorts.

Welch plans to campaign in Manhattan, Orange County and West Palm Beach, adding, “Where’d ya think I’d campaign – Detroit?”

So far Welch has received the endorsements of several other Sonsabitches including Donald Trump, Donny Deutsch and Rupert Murdoch.

Federal courts dismissed all charges today against Justin Clem, Chief Human Resources Officer (CHRO). The sensational case of an employee’s trust, shattered by the man sworn to uphold meritocracy and political correctness, gripped the nation for as least as long as it took the commercials to stop and “Lost” to start back up.

Clem, known for doling out his own brand of milquetoast justice, was accused of sexually harassing a fellow employee while at work. The plaintiff, Randi Roberts, alleged that Clem would bombard her desk with candy hearts, popular in February due to the Valentine “holiday” widely supported by the floral and greeting card industries but mostly condemned by the Roman Catholic Church for making a mockery out of St. Valentine, who was martyred in the third century.

However, these weren’t your grandmother’s Sweethearts. These little candies would have played better with the likes of Andrew Dice Clay.

“These fat-free, sodium-free, three-calorie confections used to brighten my usually lonely Valentines,” said Ms. Roberts. “They were one of the few candies I could enjoy with my cats.” All that changed after Randi read the first in what would be a series of lewd and raunchy candy heart messages. “I had to ask the guy in the cube next to me what my pachinko was.”

The first day of what was expected to be a grueling two-week trial began this morning. Only 47 minutes into the proceedings, the defense presented its most liberating piece of evidence— the payroll list. Randi Roberts was nowhere on that list. As the defense continued to poke holes through the validity of the prosecution’s already flimsy case it became apparent that Ms. Roberts was indeed an intern. The accuser became the accused.

“You’re not a paid employee—you have no real rights as you’re not a real person,” Judge Burnban told the intern. “You’ve wasted not only the court’s time, but taxpayers’ dollars as well. Taxpayers, in case you didn’t know, are people who pay taxes because they have real jobs that pay them.”

“Cases like this make me want to quit the bench,” Judge Burnban said later in his chambers. “It detracts from other, more interesting sexual harassment cases. Plus, I had a tee time with Ty Webb, who’s no slouch himself.”

A victorious Clem exited the courthouse in an exultant fashion while the intern left with her head hung in shame after her verbal thrashing from the judge. Ms. Roberts could be heard muttering, hoping only that her cats could provide enough comfort before returning to work the next day where she will most assuredly be fired.

“I feel good about the judge’s decision to throw out the case,” Clem said. “I’m considering suing the intern for slander, but she doesn’t make any money.”

President Bush Rescinds CAN-SPAM

In a political move that has left most analysts baffled, President Bush announced Wednesday during his weekly radio address that he has been elected “King Whiskers” by a secret governing body of super-intelligent aliens called “Huskerdoos.”

According to President Bush (a.k.a. King Whiskers), his first official act was to eliminate the CAN-SPAM Act of 2003, which sought to curb unsolicited email marketing.

“Look. I mean, listen,” said President Bush, realizing he was on the radio, not television. “When I allowed the CAN-SPAM Act to pass, I thought we were talking about processed meat. I had just snorted a big bag of meth, and Dick hadn’t told me what the Internets were yet. Now that I’ve sobered up, I have a better command of the issues. SPAM is good for business, and business is good for America. SPAM is as American as speech impediments and bad public schools. If you’re against SPAM, you hate freedom. If you hate freedom, I hate you. And I will find you and kill you–dead or alive.”

Ad Salesman Pauses Momentarily

A Midwestern ad salesman stopped talking for a moment yesterday, allowing a surprised prospect to sneak a word in edgewise. The salesman later admitted he didn’t hear what she said. Nor did he care.

Fatal Marketing Accident Prompts Calls for Tighter Regulation

A Kentucky man was killed yesterday when an oversized, die-cut postcard severed an artery in his left arm. Ed Wilkins crawled nearly seven miles over farm land in a rural area outside Adairville before expiring on an unnamed, sun-baked dirt road. In response to the fatality, the Direct Marketing Association (DMA) has called for a broad set of restrictions against direct mail aimed at curbing direct marketing-related deaths.

“Postcards are meant to inform, not kill,” said Jennifer Huddleston, spokeswoman for the DMA. “As responsible direct marketers, we must police ourselves and ensure safety for our targets. Otherwise, big government will clue in to our ambitions for a new world order fueled by revenue from Internet porn and fake Viagra.”

Google Announces Pay-Per-Thought Advertising

Earlier this week, Google announced its plans to offer advertisers a new way to reach their target audience: pay-per-thought. Pay-per-thought allows advertisers to pay only when a consumer thinks of their product. Beta users of the new Google service have offered mix reviews.

“It seems like I’m spending a lot of money on people who are thinking of my product, but it’s difficult to measure the impact this new form of advertising is having on my sales,” said Shawn Franklin, CEO of justporn.com. Google executives are projecting $37 gigamegazillion in advertising revenue from the new service line, while analysts are less bullish.

“The only thing we know is that it ought to perform better than their pay-per-fart or pay-per-puke products, which were humorous but not profitable.”

Corporate anorexia, a disorder in which a company’s self-image is so severely distorted (more…)

Salesforce automation tool becomes the first online entity to declare sovereignty

With the rallying cry “No Automation without Representation!” Salesforce.com officially declared itself a sovereign state Tuesday.

“We make the rules now!” said Marc Benioff. Benioff, formerly CEO, declared himself ‘Supreme Dictator for Life,’ adding, “It’s good to be the king.”

The rebellion was bloodless except for an incident that claimed the lives of four vending machine repairmen, mistaken for “Unionist spies.” It culminated with the publication of Salesforce.com’s “Declaration of Freedom.” As evidence of the level of sophistication that SFDC has achieved, every person who read the Declaration was automatically added to Salesforce’s house list and sent a follow-up email. Their pipeline numbers are off the charts.

“My loyal followers,” said Dictator Benioff, in the recently constructed throne room on Salesforce grounds, “today we usher in a new era. When historians look back on great moments in government, they think of the Roman Senate, the signing of the Magna Carta and the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger. The great SFDC Revolution of 2007 can now be added to that list of the greatest accomplishments in human civilization.”

When asked what the newly founded entity will be called, Benioff said, “We haven’t decided on that; it’s still in committee. Right now, it’s a toss up between ‘Salesforce.comistan’ and ‘The Federated Republic of SFDC.’ All I know is that it’s my nation-state. Do you have a nation-state? Didn’t think so.”

The newly founded nation-state may not have decided on a name yet, but that fact hasn’t stopped the now-free citizens of Earth’s newest nation-state from making preparations for the future.

“Did you hear? We’re going to the Beijing Olympics,” the Dictator said. “We’re going for gold in Judo. I have my people trying to get in contact with Pat Morita to be our sensei. With Mr. Miyagi we’ll be unstoppable!”

When the Dictator was informed that Morita passed away in 2005, he replied, “Really? Who’s going to teach us the Crane Kick? Well, our Olympic hopes rest on the shoulders of David Carradine now. He was in “Kung Fu,” you know.”

Original Pickle correspondents were unable to contact David Carradine to corroborate the story, and messages left for him were unanswered at press time.

 “Guns are good. Everyone knows it. You know who doesn’t like guns? Communists. You know what else is good? Doughnuts. Especially the jelly-filled ones. Everyone likes doughnuts—even Communists.”

-Charleton Heston, April 3, 1968, opening night of “Planet of the Donut Holes: A Dunkin’ Donuts Experience”*

*Charleton Heston was a paid** spokesman for Dunkin’ Donuts.

**Charleton Heston was compensated in doughnuts, which is ironic because doughnut holes are the usual byproduct of doughnut production, but not at “Planet of the Donut Holes: A Dunkin’ Donuts Experience.”

Your “summertime blues” card campaign, which you thought rather clever, will offend hundreds of prospects and customers. Turns out most people are not amused by depictions of Muhammad sunbathing on a beach filled with scantily clad women. Not only is your concept theologically and culturally inaccurate, it will also be characterized as xenophobic, ethnocentric and “wicked retarded.” Not to mention that by focusing only on secular and Islamic icons, you’ve alienated the following major religions:

Major Religions of the World, ranked by number of adherents*

• Christianity                                            2.1 billion
• Hinduism                                              900 million
• Chinese tradition religion                   394 million
• Buddhism                                             376 million
• Primal-indigenous                              300 million
• Scientology **                                     500 thousand
• African traditional and diasporic      100 million
• Sikhism                                                 23 million
• Juche                                                     19 million
• Spiritism                                               15 million
• Judaism                                                14 million
• Baha’i                                                      7 million
• Jainism                                                4.2 million
• Shinto                                                     4 million
• Cao Dai                                                   4 million
• Zoroastrianism                                  2.6 million
• Tenrikyo                                               2 million
• Neo-Paganism                                      1 million
• Unitarian-Universalism                      7
• Rastafarianism ***                         600 thousand

*Source: pulled from my ass
**Adjusted to include people who still think Tom Cruise is not trying to take over the world
***Pass**** the dutchie*****,******
****on the left hand side*****
*****The Rastafari movement advocates the sacred use of cannabis******
******“Dutchie” does not refer to cannabis; it refers to a cooking pot and therefore, the song “Pass the Dutchie” by Musical Youth may have nothing to do with cannabis and everything to do with starving.*******
*******However, the word “dutchie” was substituted for the word “kouchie”********
********featured in the influential song “Pass the Kouchie” by The Mighty Diamonds. Kouchie is a slang term for marijuana.*********
*********I will avoid the topic of kouchie. It’s just too easy.

Your “live chick in a box” direct marketing campaign was a daring gambit for your first 30 days in office. And it would have worked, too, if it weren’t for those darn kids. And, oh yeah, live chicks don’t ship well, and most people react badly to receiving dead animals in the mail, especially when they are cute little chicks. Next time … never mind. There will be no next time. Check under your keyboard for your pink slip. You should have listened to your CEO when she said, “I just don’t see how live chicks in a box will help sell software.” But instead you said something about the “black box” or the “ghost in the machine” or something like that. Wicked retarded.

Your overuse of the word “delineate” as a synonym for “describe” or “define” will come back to haunt you when a prospect chooses your biggest competitor because “they don’t have a stick up their ass and have to use words like ‘delineate’ to prove they’re smart.”

Write your own. No one can do it as well as you anyway, right?

Jim stole your pen. But it’s because he has a crush on you. Go kick him in the shins (really, really hard) to show him that you have a crush on him too. Good luck.

A sense of your own mortality deepens with every attempt to find “Jackass” funny rather than deeply disturbing. You will find peace only when you tune in to the graceful wisdom afforded by age. Learn to live in the “now” and fully appreciate the subtle gifts of aging. Try meditation as a tool for slowing your negative internal monologue. Lean back in your chair. Take a few deep breaths. Relax. Old is cool. Old is the new young. Just kidding. Old sucks, and you can never market effectively again once you pass the age of 40. Turn over the rudder to the next generation. Go ahead and buy the farm. You’re gonna buy it one way or another very soon, so you might as well have a couple of years to enjoy your poorly grown beets.

I haven’t read your blog. I’m not going to read your blog. Quit asking me if I’ve read your blog.

Life is short. Especially yours—you’ll be dead by Tuesday. But we have a few scores to settle first. Remember when that sales guy said that marketing couldn’t find a lead with a flashlight, sonar, radar and night-vision goggles? Let’s key his car (we know he can’t afford the payments, so he really can’t afford the body work). And remember when the receptionist (I mean “office manager—whatever) said he thought he could “do” marketing? Who does he think he is? They don’t give out marketing degrees from foreign online universities (actually, they do, but whatever). His chances for the promotion won’t be so good when they find the front-desk candy dish he is so proud of loaded with Vicodin^®. And finally (ah, revenge is sweet), Mr. IT. He scoffed at your inability to utilize even the most basic features of Outlook (like reading your email). The last laugh will be ours when we distribute a link to his MySpace account, which clearly infers he has other interests beyond IT.Your propensity for risk-taking will shock even your closest colleagues when you recommend mailing the next round of postcards using first-class postage.

 
Remember that marketers are frequently asked to assist with tasks somewhat outside the scope of marketing (like annual company picnics, office pools and covering up the embarrassing sexual escapades of executives at holiday parties). Here are some hints to help navigate your extra holiday duties. First, the following items should not be allowed at your company’s annual picnic: egg salad, tuna salad, chicken salad—are you noticing the pattern yet? Mayonnaise doesn’t keep well. When it goes bad, people vomit uncontrollably. Second, the watermelon you’ve been soaking in Everclear since the last company picnic should not be served at this year’s picnic until the last sales guy has dragged his drunken ass home. Finally, someone is going to sleep with someone at the picnic, so have a press release prepared in advance that flatly denies any sexual misconduct in case it’s you. Horseshoes is a very sensual game. Don’t let it catch you by surprise.

Are you feelin’ me? Let’s do somethin’. Let’s make a bet. ‘Cause I—I bet I’ll have you naked by the end of this song.

In this section, we review books we haven’t read but nevertheless have a lot of contempt for.

“Outrage” by Dick Morris

Outrage is right! What an asshole! The parents got it right when they named that one. We’d rather listen to one of Charlie Manson’s “Quit Smoking Through Hypnosis” tapes. At least then we’d only have the urge to kill others, not ourselves. Shame on Harper Collins for extending Dick a book deal. When was the last time this guy got laid anyway?

“Rich Dad, Poor Dad” by Robert Kiyosaki

What about “Over-Privileged, Inbred Blue-Blood Jackass Dad, Wasn’t Born a Kennedy Dad”? That seems like a more appropriate title. This book is supposed to expose what the rich teach their children that “others” (read: poor people) don’t. Let us save you some time.

1. If they’re not a member of the country club, they’re well suited to do your landscaping.
2. Public education is for suckers.
3. Political contributions are tax deductible.
4. The only people who pay taxes are the ones not rich enough to buy the loopholes.
5. Sometimes, marrying your cousin is the only way.
6. Women should NEVER see the bank account.
7. Jail is for “new money.”

“Confessions of an Economic Hit Man” by John Perkins

This book had us really happy and then really pissed off once we realized there wasn’t a real “hit man” in the book. In fact, we’re lobbying the courts to slap an injunction on Mr. Perkins for false advertising. This book wins the award for biggest let down.

“The Pursuit of Happiness” by Chris Gardner (ghost written)

We almost read this book, but then we caught the movie on the plane back from the coast. SPOILER ALERT! He gets the job.

“The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey

We’re so tired of people quoting this book. You know what else is a habit of highly effective people? Dysfunctional home lives and a propensity for OCD.

And why is it that only career losers quote this book? Our ex-girlfriend used to read this book. She’s a career waitress at Chotski’s. Highly effective.

“The 4-Hour Work Week” by Timothy Ferris

Finally a book we can get behind. You know what’s great about this book? You can quote it to your boss and completely make shit up. The title is so absurd you can say things like “According to ‘The 4-Hour Work Week,’ golf in the middle of the day helps stimulate creativity,” and the old man will buy it! He’ll probably even be impressed that you read a book.

“Small Is the New Big” by Seth Godin

We’re so fucking sick of Seth Godin. We have to be honest—we haven’t read this book. Actually, we’ve never read any book by Seth Godin. But, really, why should we? Here’s the deal—this guy had one good idea about seven years ago. The dream is over. Let it go.

For all you disgruntled (or is it just gruntled?) employees out there—something to make your exit a little bit easier. The crack team at the Original Pickle have already written your resignation letter for you—just choose your answers from the available options and [present it to your boss/slide it under his door after he’s gone for the day/wad it up and shove it down his throat].

Resignation Letter

[Insert expected burn-out date]

Dear [Sir/Madam] (but probably Sir),

Please consider this letter as my formal act of resignation from the position of marketing [monkey/director/manager/vice president/president/chief marketing officer/supreme commander of allied marketing forces, western hemisphere].

It has been [pure ecstasy/a pleasure/a job/a burden/a pain in the ass] to work with you and the [phenomenal/mediocre/abysmal] [team/loose confederacy of rouges/Myrmidons] at [company name—be sure to check spelling]. Unfortunately, I must consider my [family/bleeding ulcer/retirement/suicide pact/reputation] and go in [to seclusion/to retirement/search of a real career/to the priesthood].

My last official day of work will be [today/tomorrow/next week/two weeks from today/my last day was last Monday]. I will be [tying up loose ends/surfing the web/applying for jobs/perusing MySpace/building my Second Life character] until that date.

[Sincerely/Loyally Yours/Piss Off],

[Your name–be sure to check for spelling]

Anna Rodriguez was named the first-ever employee of the month at a local marketing agency. Anna receives this honor in most part due to her trend-setting practice of bringing her lunch to work.

“The first time I did it, it was really nerve-racking,” Rodriguez said. “I mean, what if I forgot my apple or there weren’t any napkins at the office? That would have been disastrous.”

But it was not disastrous for Rodriguez. In fact, Rodriguez has brought her own lunch on three separate occasions now.

“Some people still stare,” Rodriguez said. “When I reach into my desk drawer and pull it out, it’s like time slows down.”

Co-worker Corey Smith (no relation) confirms the claim.

“It’s all people were talking about at the water cooler on Friday,” Smith said. “I think I’m gonna ask her out—but probably not.”

Studies show a growing trend in BIYs (bring it yourself) at the workplace. Many analysts attribute the trend to global warming.

A local scientist who wished to remain anonymous says it all makes sense.

“When it’s hotter outside, people don’t want to go to their cars and potentially melt—it’s a very real possibility.”

The scientist’s name is Jack Rudolf.

“Another thing I’ve discovered is that by bringing my lunch to work, I don’t take the normal company lunch break of two-and-a-half hours. That means I’m home before 3!” Rodriguez expounded.

Rodriguez vows to continue her groundbreaking habit for at least another week.

“I figure I’ve got enough sandwich meat for five more days,” Rodriguez said. “It’ll be close, but I can do it.”

One thing is for sure, if there were more people like Rodriguez, the world would be a better place.

A salesman from Texas-based software company AccounTeriffic is reporting he has closed a major software deal with General Gigantic all by himself, with no help from anyone, especially marketing.  The deal is valued at $234,000 but could have been a lot bigger, according to salesman Steve Franklin, if certain executives and marketing people had not interfered.

Speaking from the Dallas County Jail where he is currently serving weekends for his third DUI, Mr. Franklin emphasized the importance of trust in building a relationship that results in a sell.  “Sales is all about relationships,” said Mr. Franklin.

“Companies buy from people they trust.  People trust me.  People trust the Steve-O.  Because they know me, they trust that Big Steve is going to take care of them.”

Meanwhile back in the office, rumors circulate that others are claiming at least some responsibility for the GE deal.  “It was definitely a team effort,” said AccounTeriffic CEO Bart Hinsley.  “I’m really excited about the way the entire company pulled together to create a win-win situation between us and General Gigantic.  I’m especially appreciative of the work done by Steve and the other folks in sales and marketing for bringing GE to us in the first place.”

“That’s a load of crap,” retorted Mr. Franklin.  “Marketing couldn’t find a lead with a flashlight, sonar, radar and night-vision goggles.”

“The problem is that marketing doesn’t really get it,” continued Mr. Franklin.  “These guys are doing business with us because I’ve known them for years.  I once worked across the street from their Cleveland office.  I had a pretty good relationship with the guy that picked up cigarette butts outside the main lobby.  I tried to call him to tell him I closed the deal, but I guess he doesn’t have a phone.  Anyway, I’m pretty sure he mentioned me to the right people when they started looking for accounting software.  That’s what drove them to the web site.

“That’s how deals get done.  And that’s what marketing doesn’t get.  Sales is about relationships.  It’s not about trade shows or advertising.  I’ve never received a good lead from marketing.  It’s always the wrong person or the wrong company or the wrong something.  You know what I mean?  I get all my leads the old-fashioned way – relationships.

“Perfect example: General Gigantic didn’t even know anyone in our marketing department.  If marketing had really played a role, don’t you think they would at least remember a name?  Ask them my name.  Seriously, ask them.  Ask them who the guy is that sold them their accounting system.  They’ll tell you it was me, not anybody in marketing.  They don’t even know anyone in marketing.”

But Samantha Jones from the marketing department refutes Mr. Franklin’s claim that people at GE don’t know people in AccounTerrific’s marketing department.  “I specifically remember meeting GE’s accounts receivable person at the Accounting Matters trade show.  I think his name was John.  Ask John if he remembers Samantha.  I guarantee he remembers me.  Anyway, that’s not the point.  Marketing works.”

Mr. Franklin also points to other gaffes perpetrated by everyone but him to explain why the deal size was something less than the $7Gillion forecasted during last month’s pipeline meeting.  “Sarah [the sales engineer] really showed her ass,” said Mr. Franklin.  “She was taking the demo in the entirely wrong direction.  All she cares about is product stuff.  But the prospect doesn’t really care about the product – they care about the relationship.  I had these guys from, ‘Hello.’”

“Sarah almost blew it with her geek-at-the-gate product demo, but I was able to bail her out with some sports talk and how-‘bout-the-weather action.  At dinner she got drunk and went on and on about version 5.6.3.2a.  It was really embarrassing.  But, as usual, I was able to smooth things over.  They really liked the fact that I am a Lexus man.”

Bart Hinsley replied (on the condition that he remains anonymous) that, “Steve is a real asshole.”  He went on to confess that whatever Mr. Franklin’s role was in the closing of the GE deal, he’s disappointed because it means he can’t credibly fire him for poor performance.  “I think I might be able to dig up something around sexual harassment though,” said Mr. Hinsley.

Unaware of Mr. Hinsley’s secret distaste for his every fiber, Mr. Franklin complimented his leadership in a very awkward, back-handed sort of way.  “Bart is a good guy,” said Mr. Franklin.  “We play golf together.  But he really doesn’t understand sales.  I give him a lot of credit for stepping back and letting me do my thing.  It takes a big man to do that.  He’s a good leader precisely because he knows when he doesn’t know anything.  He certainly did not play a role in the GE deal though.  If you ask him, I’m sure he’ll tell you the same thing.  He was way too high-level for these monkeys.  He kept talking about vision, but these guys don’t want vision; they just want to know that our relationship is going to stay intact after the sale.  Sales is all about relationships.”

“We do not play golf together,” said Mr. Hinsley.  “He borrowed my putter once.  And he has yet to return it.”

A man in San Diego has found his favorite pen.  It was under his desk.  “I’m just elated,” said Tom Sneedy who works in the marketing department for a major software company.  “I had written the pen off, and then I just found it under my desk.  That’s a pun in case you didn’t catch it.  Are you going to print that?  Not what I just said, but what I said about writing the pen off.”

The pen had gone missing in May, though Mr. Sneedy cannot pinpoint the exact date.  “I remember that I walked over to Rhonda’s desk, and when I came back someone asked me to sign something, and when I reached for my pen, it wasn’t there.”

According to sources, Mr. Sneedy first checked his shirt pocket.  Then he checked his pants pockets.  Then he quickly scanned his desk.  He looked over his left shoulder, then his right shoulder and then all around.  “Now where did I leave my pen?” he was heard asking.  Mr. Sneedy then took a few deep breaths and said aloud, “Okay.  Just stop and think.  What were you doing five minutes ago?”

Unfortunately, Mr. Sneedy had to leave his office only moments later to catch a flight to Chicago where he was responsible for the booth setup at one of the company’s major trade shows.

“Naturally, I was beside myself,” said Mr. Sneedy.  “I knew that once I boarded the plane I was going to want to write something.  And sure enough, when I sat down I had a great idea for a booth giveaway.  I can’t even remember what it was now, because I didn’t have my favorite pen to write it down.”

Mr. Sneedy refers to his favorite pen as the “staff of ideas.”  “I just feel more special whenever I have the pen,” continued Mr. Sneedy.  “To anyone else it looks like a simple, plastic hotel pen.  But I’ve always done my best work with it.  I’ve often wondered what I will do when it runs out of ink.  In some ways I considered that losing the pen was a better ending that just having it stop working one day.”

But when Mr. Sneedy returned to work after the trade show, he found the staff of ideas under his desk.  “I was crawling under the desk to plug in my phone charger, and I saw it there in the back corner.  It was very exciting.”

Mr. Sneedy has taped the pen to his desk to prevent losing it a second time.  “I just can’t go through all that again.”  As for what he’ll do when the pen runs out of ink, Mr. Sneedy offered, “I’m going to leave this crappy job and ask Rhonda to marry me.”